I wrote this book as a Young Adult novel and sent it out to a few teenagers. They said it was weird. That it messed with their heads. And that they loved it.

I got nervous. I worried my twisted story might ruin teenagers’ lives.

I wondered about making it longer, for the adult market.

I wondered about de-weirding it and changing the ending.

I put it to one side. I didn’t want to change it.

Then Snubnose Press came along and I had a brainwave - I could just blame them!

I’m even going to blame them if my own kids go wrong.

It’s the one I love, this book. I love the length – 40,000 words. I love the weirdness. I love the dark ending.

Think very odd girl.

Think rude photos.

Think revenge.

Think cloning…

If you want Snubnose Press to mess with your head, buy THE DUPLICATE on Amazon.com here.

Or on Amazon.co.uk here.

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It must be four years ago now that I was asked to go and speak at a networking event for writers in Glasgow. I was a bit nervous, being new to the whole writery scene, and went there straight from the airport expecting to sit at a table and try to impress a few scary people.

When I arrived, the Universal bar was full of new and established writers and journalists and film-makers and comic artists and graphic novelists, none of whom were scary. And thankfully there was no need for me to try and impress anyone.

It’s my favourite event and I try to get there every month. Last night, it moved venue from the Universal Bar to the CCA in Sauchiehall Street. The bar was mobbed. Ian Rankin gave an entertaining and inspirational talk. And then we drank.

I think it’s so successful because it’s unpretentious, unintimidating, and full of good chat. There’s a speaker every month who talks for ten minutes (no Q and A).  

Weegie Wednesdsay’s fun, but it’s also useful. I’ve made so many contacts there who’ve motivated and helped me. And I’ve made some wonderful, lifelong friends.

It’s on every month – the middle Wednesday. If you’re at all interested in writing, you should go.

They're on facebook here

Website here

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My Top 5 cringe-worthy writer moments:

5. Taking what was supposed to be a funny montage of pictures of me in my office for a piece Luca Veste did for Crime Fiction Lover.  They could only use one, and chose the one of me holding a guitar and looking pensive in my freshly painted, clean and completely empty office. I can’t play guitar. I look like a wanker. 

4. Sitting at a signing table beside Dorothy Porter and Louise Penny at the Brisbane Writers Festival. They had long queues. I had to read my own book.

3.  Having my first meeting with a screenwriting agent. He put his hands on my screenplay, sighed, and said: “Well done for getting it down on paper.”

2. Asking if my book was in the beautiful bookshop in Lucca. (Cattivi Pensieri, by Helen FitzGerald?) Before I knew it, all the staff had gathered in a circle around me, as well as most of the browsers, and the owner made an excited announcement: “Everyone, guess who’s in the shop! Helen Fielding!”

1. In the bookshop in Lucca, shaking hands with people who loved my Bridget Jones creations.

I have about 2000 more. Have you got any? 

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Celebrating 15 years of literary thrillers with Ambo Anthos. I was star struck. Then drunk.

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At a PR event recently, a publicist asked me if I could think of a hook to help increase sales for The Donor. “It’s a shame you don’t have kidney disease,” he said, “and it’s not like you’ve donated yours…” He held my gaze for several seconds - I could read his thoughts: Would you? Is this something you could do for us? For you?

So many things went through my head, but the loudest was: I’m not sure if I have time this week.

A few days later, I gave a workshop on pitching at Write Now, part of the Aye Write Book Festival in Glasgow. I talked about how strange and uncomfortable it is that authors have to sell themselves to sell their stories. I came home wondering, how far should you go?

Should you tell the press if you used to be a prostitute? Even if it's a lie?

Would you upset someone you love by talking about the ups and downs of your relationship?

Talk about your addictions?

Your mental health?

Your parenting?

Would you sell a kidney?

(Go on, you have plenty of time this week. Whip it out).

A friend has just had her debut novel released. She emailed me about some interviews she’d been asked to do, wondering how much she should divulge about her life. I said something like this:

Don’t upset anyone you care about. It’s only a book, after all. It won’t hold your hand when you’re branded a liar, when an up turns to a down, when you realise you drink too much, or finally go to the doctor about the state of your head. And in a few decades, it won’t stick post-it notes around the house reminding you who you are, and where.

HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO? HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE ALREADY? WOULD LOVE TO KNOW...

#

(NB: I wouldn't go under the knife, but I'd sneak links to The Donor - Tod sei Dank in Germany - into my blog, and make a cool promo video...)

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I’m running a workshop at Aye Write next Friday, along a screenwriter I know well, Sergio Casci, and a producer I know almost as well but haven’t slept with yet (Claire Mundell of Synchronicity Films).

The three of us have been working on a film adaption of my thriller, The Devil’s Staircase, for 107 years. All going well, it’ll be filmed later this year.

The process has been fascinating – from finding the right producers, deciding who should write the screenplay, enticing a hot director (still top secret), and now – choosing the cast.

It’s scary, though. What if I hate it? What if it’s nothing like the book? Who will I blame? Even scarier, what if it’s nothing like the book and I love love love it?

My favourite adaptations are probably from short stories, like Stephen King’s The Shawshank Redemption and The Mist, perhaps because there’s just too much material in a full novel. And so many adaptations get it wrong, stuffing it all in no matter what, or leaving out the crucial element that glued it together.

I’m curious – what are your favourite adaptations?

And which ones made you scratch at your eyeballs? (Captain Corelli springs to mind for me...)

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Check this fantastic promo video for Tod sei Dank (Out in Germany Feb 2012, Galiani). It's all in English.

Sure pays to know people with talent - a whopping thanks to director Jerry Kelly. And to Darren Hercher, who shot, edited and took his shirt off. Also a big hurrah to Maestro Adrian Burns!

A group of onlookers gathered in our street to watch a naked man being filmed in my bedroom. I'd love to hear the gossip at church on Sunday (but won't, 'cause I'm a sinner).

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This blog it hath weighed upon me...

Apologies, but I've been using up all my words elsewhere.

So this is just a quickie.

Nice piece in Screen Daily re the film of my third book, The Devil's Staircase. 

http://www.screendaily.com/news/production/-levelk-climbs-devils-staircase/5037840.article

And lots of fun events coming up if you're near any of these places:

KAUFLEUTEN

ZURICH

22-02-2012

WORDS PER MINUTE

GLASGOW

04-03-2012

KAFFE BURGER

BERLIN

05-03-2012

MARGINS

GLASGOW

25-O2-2012

AYE WRITE

GLASGOW

1. ADAPTATIONS

(with screenwriter Sergio Casci and producer Claire Mundell)

1300-1400 9TH MARCH 2012

2. MAKING THE PITCH AND NOT STRIKING OUT

1430-1600 9TH MARCH 2012

CRIME FEST

BRISTOL

Mad, Bad & Dangerous To Know - WITH 

Douglas Lindsay 

Michael J. Malone

Damien Seaman

Moderator: Donna Moore

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Wow - love this cover for my novella with Snubnose Press, out soon. Great stuff Eric Beetner.

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Just got my PLR statement through and am thrilled at the number of books people borrowed last year. When I tweeted about it, many other authors joined in the celebration. Thank God for our libraries. In case you’re wondering, people are still using them.

It was fascinating for me to see the borrowing figures for my first four books. I won’t go into details here, but two books were published by one publisher, and two by another. Two of the books did well. Two not as well.

Put the books on a level playing field – ie on the library shelves – and I realise that the two books that didn’t sell as well are miles ahead in borrowing figures. Either borrowers have different taste from buyers, or one of my publishers got it wrong. Hm.

I’m pleased, though. I’d written those two off as shite when they’re obviously works of genius.

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Sorry for the postlessness folks. Busy writing…

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People have been telling me to read Ray Banks for a long time. Now I understand why.

Buy Dead Money on Amazon Uk here

And on Amazon US here 

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Here's the cover for the German edition of The Donor, out February 2012. Tod sei Dank plays with the saying “Gott sei Dank” (Thank God) and means “Thank Death”. My editor at Galiani says it's confusing and disturbing and cool at the same time - perfect. It's my first hardback in Germany and available for pre-order on Amazon.de.

Can't wait to see what other territories do with it. How do you think it compares with the UK and Dutch versions?

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I’m bored with definitions.

What’s crime fiction?

What’s not?

What’s literature?

What’s not?

What’s Scottish?

What’s not?

What’s a likeable character?

What’s not?

What’s a genital wart?

The only one that interests me is the last one, especially if the answer is “that.”

What I’m loving about the e-book revolution is not worrying about definitions. I have two short stories and one novella  coming out soon in digital format only, and for the first time I've been completely free to forget about genre and word length and just go for it.

The first short story is out on the 30^th November. The collection was put together by Luca Veste. It’s called Off The Record, an anthology of short stories by 38 writers, each inspired by a song. All proceeds to go National Literacy Trust and Children's Literacy Initiative.

Here’s a quote from my interview about my story, Two Little Boys:

“It’s about a gay couple who go to marriage counselling. One has a very large penis which he likes to share. Unfortunately, their counsellor is a scorned middle aged woman who’s having a nervous breakdown. Her service – the Road Ahead – takes place in her car. With her clients in the front seats, she listens from the back, her thinking being that people open up while driving. As business ideas go, it’s not a great one.”

Off The Record is available on Amazon Uk - £2.49

And on Amazon.com - $3.61.

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I’m going mad. Some people hear voices in their heads that tell them everyone’s out to get them, some wash their hands seventeen times an hour. I met one man in Barlinnie Prison who thought he was God.

Me, I see book titles everywhere.

I was going to list the titles that came to mind today, but I won’t because I truly believe they are genius. Which is further proof that I’m going mad.

I even think “That’d Be A Good Title For A Book” would be a good title for a book.

PS. In case the man I met in Barlinnie actually is God, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Him for blessing me with an uncanny ability to think up good titles for books.

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I follow 500 people, most of them in the book world, a good percentage of them crime writers. 

This is what I’ve noticed about my twitter behaviour: 

I over indulge when I’m editing. Bored, frustrated and alone, I reach out to my colleagues for support and entertainment. I’m very lucky - crime writers are supportive and hilarious. I’ve found the best chat happens on Friday afternoons, when people are happy and optimistic. Mondays are shite, all hard sell – seems to be panic day for writers, having spent too much on beer on the weekend. 

I do it in a state of manic happiness when I have good news. 

I never tweet when I’ve been drinking, mainly because the first thing to go is my spelling. 

I get upset when I’m unfollowed. What did I do? 

I unfollow people whose tweets are limited to hard sell or annoying quotes. 

I've made mistakes on twitter:

Once, my husband rang from Puerto Rico (at the Premiere of his film, The Caller) to say Stephen Moyer was reading The Donor. I tweeted it. Within seconds this story appeared online  - "What's the book on Stephen Moyer's nightstand?" 

http://www.allstephenmoyer.com/what%E2%80%99s-the-book-on-stephen-moyer%E2%80%99s-nightstand/ 

A few seconds later, the news was on vampire fan sites around the world. Stephen, meanwhile, was on page one, looking around his hotel room for hidden cameras.

Another time, after reading an endless stream of tips for authors submitting to agents, I tweeted this: "Agents: to feel the power, please patronise unpublished authors with snide tweets re submissions." My (wonderful) brand new agent read this immediately and thought I was talking about him. As if. I'm new to his (wonderful) agency. I am still in grovel mode.

Then there's last Friday when, bored of the #FF's to THE AWESOME, THE CLEVER, THE BEST, THE FUNNIEST, I #FF'd to "crappy shitty people who I hate", only pausing to worry after hitting return that they might not get the joke. 

There have been times when I've been dirty, angry and bitchy, times when I've used the c word or slagged off certain demographics (I am not religious... And anti-Tory). I have to be more careful. I have to ask myself - would I get up on a stage, microphone in hand, and say this to 500 people? (The answer is probably yes, but still a worthwhile question to ask).

At least once a week, I berate myself for spending so much time on twitter, I feel embarrassed by my (not so witty after a re-read) chat, by my shameless bragging and regular errors of judgement. I promise myself that this week I will stay away from it. 

But I never do…

...For example, right now I'm in manic state of happiness and have just tweeted this: The Donor one of the "Best of the Year in Fiction" on Amazon

- http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000593303

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Check out this promotion for my second book, My Last Confession. A Rainy Day Read on Amazon Kindle. Only £1.99, but not for long.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B005IPRR76/ref=s9_simh_gw_p351_d0_g351_i1?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=11PDVEPF10R535Z5HNXK&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=467128533&pf_rd_i=468294

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For the last four years I have worn the same thing every day: jeans, t-shirt, scabby jacket and boots (All seasons. 80% black).  

This, I notice, is pretty much the uniform of the crime writer.

The clothing came naturally to me, but was also appropriate as my first four books were on the crime shelves. 

Then along came The Donor. 

There’s definitely still a crime cross-over with my adult books, but I am now officially a “dilemma fiction” writer. As was the case with The Donor, the next two books with Faber will not be on the crime shelves. 

So… I’m going to have to change my wardrobe. 

Question is: Do I wear tailored trousers? 

Or a colourful skirt? 

Or is there a third solution, one so terrible it has never even crossed my mind?

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I’m going to be running a workshop at Aye Write about pitching.

To prepare, I’d love a few examples of your best or worst pitches – either what you wrote in your letter of enquiry to agents/publishers, or the “Elevator Pitch” you did in front of them.

To get you going, this is my best:

Will Marion has two perfect kidneys. His daughters aren't so lucky. Question is: which one should he save? Will's 47. His wife bailed out when the twins were in nappies and hasn't been seen since. He coped OK by himself at first, giving Georgie and Kay all the love he could, working in a boring admin job to support them. Just after the twins turn sixteen, Georgie suffers kidney failure and is placed on dialysis. Her type is rare, and Will immediately offers to donate an organ. Without a transplant, she would probably never see adulthood. So far so good. But then Kay gets sick. She's also sixteen. Just as precious. Her kidney type just as rare. Time is critical, and he has to make a decision. Should be buy a kidney - be an organ tourist? Should he save one child? If so, which one? Should be sacrifice himself? Or is there a fourth solution - one so terrible it has never even crossed his mind?

This is what I pitched to Faber – and it ended up as the blurb on the back of the The Donor. It’s my best one, but to be honest, I still think it’s too long. Am hoping one day I will come up with something like this:

In space, no-one can hear you scream

(Okay, tag-line rather than pitch, but I’d have bought the screenplay based on that alone).

And this is my worst:

Dead Lovely is about two women who were abused by the same man. It is funny and gripping. I believe I have created a new genre – chick-tartan-noir-mis-lit.

(So maybe I didn’t say exactly this in my first bunch letter to agents, but it wasn’t much better. A leading literary agency rejected me ten minutes after receiving the email. I rewrote it!)

PLEASE - PITCH IN!

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